I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB