the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!