I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate