[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option