if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
there has never been a better use of this meme
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!