[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week