3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”