I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Based Erika
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point