Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Twitter is an abusement park.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.