Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
prepare for carbonated trouble
Money is the root of all wealth
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
only 11 steps left
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.