Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own