Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.