The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That