I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

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I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.


Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.


My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”