Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza