I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
You Might Also Like
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Who says great literature is dead?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.