German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”