Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Its a hippotatomus
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?