Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own