If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help