Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms