This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.