I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.