Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Children of the corn 🌽
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫