When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
In Canada they just call them geese
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Cheers Twitter.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.