(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Growing up was a huge mistake
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
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