girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
that colleague who touches your screen
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far