Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
This is a bad sign
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
💯😂