The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop