80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
LMAO
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…