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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?