I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?