[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You Might Also Like
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.