wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.