I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.