“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Good boy 😂😂
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”