A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The USS B port
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball