We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
They’re the worst 😩
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky