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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.