Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Alexa: *deep breath*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.