Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.