Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
reduce, reuse, recycle
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.