[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You Might Also Like
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.