I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”