Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..