I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much