[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.