[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
You saw nothing. I am ham.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Driving in Europe vs Canada
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?