My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them