As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.